Hi Loved Ones,
This month, being the month of Cupid, I will look to love for my blog example. When we watch romantic comedies, we seem to know the order of events. Boy is going to meet girl unexpectedly, they will enjoy each other's company for a while, life will intrude, they will separate, then somehow magically they get together again and against all odds live happily ever after.
What is the belief we hold here...(clue: the blog picture caption says it "Love Trumps All"). PJ I know ;) but an apt one. Let me explain.
These beliefs or automatic thinking we hold so deep in our subconscious start forming during our formative years from our experience with caregivers, culture, tv, society's generic attitudes towards anything we value or deem significant. What one must achieve to be successful in life, how a man/woman should behave, how children must be raised, who takes/shares responsibility for the home/finances, religion etc all are influenced by these and stored as core beliefs or automatic thinking in our subconscious. How large the gap is between the beliefs we hold as truths and reality of our lives is the cause of feelings of failure/hopelessness/dis'ease'.
There is a reason I don’t allow people to talk negatively about themselves when they are being coached by me. Your subconscious is powerful and always listening. It is your guardian and there to protect and guide you. Even people with the best intentions can fall into this trap of negative phrasing:
“I’m so tired, I hope I don’t fall on this last ski run” or “this client has said ‘no’ to the last 3 salespeople, they’ll probably turn me down too”.
When you are so worried about falling, your fixation is not on control or form but on the very thing you want to avoid. Your subconscious hears this and believes you, then sets out to make these things true. The subconscious does not understand "no" or "not" or "don't".
What we can do about it:
Your subconscious mind is always listening to and believes everything you repeatedly say about yourself. When our thoughts become more reasonable, our feelings become brighter. Life is easier. Health is restored by the body's natural tendency to heal and thrive. Relationships become meaningful and fulfilling. Careers and personal goals are easier to achieve. Self confidence grows as we depend on "self" esteem rather than "other" esteem.
This is an important concept to understand as we put down our health, career, relationship, happiness goals for this New Year and set out to make them a reality! What you focus on grows. If you want to know more about the steps I mentioned above or help in achieving your goals with Coaching, Reiki or Hypnosis, I will be glad to assist you (email).
Make this year matter!
Did you NOT go with your first impulse to say "No, thank you" and succumbed to the "should", "must", "have to" of holiday time social gathering? Well kids, get your boxing gloves on! Here is a cheatsheet to survive the melee as best you can (and mentally note who's really on your side).
Download a FREE graphic reminder for your phone HERE (download & selfie ring light SWEEPSTAKES!).
Trust your gut instinct - the brain can mire you in endless logic loops, the heart can trick you with warning or warming stories of past. Your gut, on the other hand, is very basic and answers in plain old "Yes" or "No". Try it.
Pay attention to your feelings - how you feel matters. They are signals alerting you that something's not right either about how you are being treated or about a need you value in life, not being met.
Are you triggered? - you feel flushed all of a sudden, you want to yell but are choked up, you have a hard lump in your throat, you feel ashamed, eyes well up with tears, you get very angry, your heart beat is racing, you want to be anywhere but here, you start complying with things you don't want to do, you put yourself down, you use comic relief to dispel your unease, you stare wordlessly in horror, you pretend you did not hear or understand something rude, you have an unusually emotional outburst, etc.
What's your game plan? - You know your aunt or brother is going to say/do this. How will you respond differently to throw them off? (walk away, laugh, don't engage, picture them in their underwear, say "Yes, your right!" (& nothing else), be vague, change the topic, start another conversation with someone else, keep moving so they will have to keep following you around, take bathroom/fresh air breaks, say you just recovered from a serious virus while touching their hand, etc... :))
Make Space and Time your best friend - do not commit to anything in the moment. Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Don't plan on spending hours in a place you are not comfortable in. (a few time/space friendly excuses are: I'll check my social calendar back home and get back to you later, I won't be able to answer that immediately, I'll have to ask my babysitter, my work has me working unscheduled hours, hmm..interesting.., that was intense - let me think about it, hey I see someone I know - I'll be back!). Hem, haw and feint your way out of a tight spot. Don't let that inner voice guilt you.
Channel Your Inner Toddler (if you dare) - say no, No, NO!, and another helping of Nooooo! If they think poorly of you then you must go out of your way to give them every reason to. Have fun and throw an unreasonable fit while you're at it:).
Boundaries - think back to the last time you displayed intense emotion. Your outburst or suffering will tell you that someone knowingly or unknowingly stepped on something you really care about. Those are your boundaries. What you like or dislike, what you want or don't want. Stay away from people who repeatedly do not respect your boundaries. They are telling you that you don't matter. Don't sacrifice yourself to please them. They don't care.
Share responsibility - there will always be some of us who will shirk responsibility of tasks or feelings and make someone else do or feel them. And then there are those of us who enable them. Call it moral laziness or over zealous functioning. Neither is healthy. Stay connected (I care about you) but don't do more than your share (boundaries). You are giving everybody around you a chance to grow up and have a potentially meaningful relationship with you.
Self Care - take care of yourself, especially before social gatherings, by eating healthfully, hydrating regularly, rest/sleeping well. Drink in moderation socially, take short walks even if it is up and down stairs. Decide to put yourself first this year much like oxygen masks on a troubled plane trip with kids.
Call a friend - ask someone trusted, ahead of time, if you can call/text anytime you need a break or someone to talk to. Send them a copy of these suggestions so that they are aware of what you are trying to do and are quietly supportive.
Lastly, don't forget - however 2018 ends up playing out, all will be well, eventually.
Wishing you the Season's Best! Though, if you want to once and for all move from surviving to Thriving this year on, get in touch. We'll talk inner game and strategy at length!
beaucoup d'amour, Cheryl
Your gift to the world is your special, original vision. Wouldn't you like to discover it and nurture/share it if your lucky enough to have found it already? What would it feel like to work on something tangible that lights you up day after day?
Adding to Ms. Sher's excellent motivation in the video above, here are some tips that help my clients find what truly inspires them:
Keep paying attention to your life!
What's up folks!
Since my last post on overcoming procrastination, one lament that has come up time and time again is - "Coach, I suck at discipline. Just do it; just does not work for me. I want the results - lose weight/get great abs, meditate daily, enjoy extra income - but it is hard for me to keep working at it regularly!"
This is easily fixed. Look for place in your daily grind where your daily practice will fit in easily. Research shows that it is easier to create a habit when we do it about the same time each day. First thing in the morning is always recommended but you can be flexible about that. For eg. Wake up, bathroom, brush teeth, meditate for 15mins. Or, get a gym buddy to call you half hour before picking you up from work. Even if you are really tired or it is really cold out there, you won't say no to the buddy waiting below your office. Start small and work your way up. The trick is to keep up with small increments till you reach the tipping point.
The tipping point for each person is different. How much time or money you need to put in, in order to reach that tipping point is unique to every quest or desire. Too often we might give up just when the scales would have tipped to show the change we were aspiring for. "There is no shortage of time or money" - that is a mindset change I ask my clients with goals to affirm to themselves each morning. When we remove barriers from our mind about time and money - anything is achievable.
So keep with it. Remember to Integrate your goals into your daily grind. Find some way to be held accountable for it. The rest will follow. I am interested in knowing how you do!
I know you all have that friend who could benefit from this advice. Forward it. Like if you found it useful.
The rush of achievement is heady and profitable. But even with coaching, I find many of my clients struggle to keep on track. Considering the cost of procrastination high especially when it concerns relationships, job, taxes or health; I decided to explore the common reasons why we put off doing important things. As always, I try to frame things in a kind, more mindful way. Bringing about change in ourselves by understanding rather than reprimand is a great way to effect successful life-long positive habit formation. In no particular order, they are:
When procrastination hits, pull up this sheet and see what’s holding you back. Ask yourself gently, which of these apply and follow the tips to overcome it. I cannot guarantee the end of procrastination, but at least now you have a solid tool to use when it rears it’s ugly head. Please feel free to add to the list in the comments below or shoot me an email if I can help. Remember to frame your contributions positively.
Vishen Lakhiani is the founder of Mindvalley, the education company behind many of the world's top apps, festivals, events, courses and more, in the field of human transformation and personal growth.
In 1990, Dr. Edwin Locke and Dr. Gary Latham published their first goal setting theory book, titled, “A Theory of Goal Setting and Task Performance.” Boring title...I agree. So I am going to break it down for you. They outlined five principles for successful goal setting so people can achieve their dreams.
Yes. You've heard it all before. What's new..yawn.
The video above is! Vishen has an innovative approach to goal setting. He says many people find themselves disillusioned because they are setting "means" goals. Goals that society thinks you need to have in place to be happy. We need to set "end" or "life" goals. Goals that appeal uniquely to each one of us. All life goals fall into three buckets:
You can download the PDF for the video exercise here. You need a timer. 90 secs per question. The timer shuts down your logical brain and allows the answers to flow from your creative brain. Your inner self. Try it.
It changed my view of goal settting. I can tell you I have been goal setting for a long time and am pretty successful at it. This time though, I felt the beauty and the passion of the goals. I could see them clearly in my mind's eye and am excited to rework my current means goals into those end or life goal categories.
I wish you the same passion! If you need my help you know where to find me.
Ok. That video had some rated language. But Will Smith is right on the money! We moan and lament and day-dream and blame. But rarely do we take decisive action. Even rarer is goal-oriented action.
The person who we want to become is defined by the people we spend time with - TODAY; the books we are going to read - TODAY and the actions we are are going to take - TODAY.
With persistence we all can achieve greatness. If you want to reap the benefits of action NOW; enter you email for a worksheet that will help you off to a running start! Better still get in touch with me if you are serious about being motivated to unlock your full potential to achieve better health, greater success, more money, better relationships and more time to do what you love. Enough said.
Are you tired, stressed, numb from living life, have a dead-end job/business, searching for a mate, rearing children, chasing better health or just trying to be happy?
If you answered yes to one or more of these, it may be likely that you are trying to please someone other than yourself.
Why you do this could be rooted in the fact that as cavemen we had to be pack animals and needed to feel accepted by the herd, for survival. Or in childhood we felt a sense of safety (or lack thereof) with approval from our parents. We mistake this for love and the fear of not being able to please others becomes huge.
If we knew what made us happy we would be directly motivated to do those things. But not having a healthy sense of self makes us prone to pleasing others to get validation and hence seek indirect motivation.
When we become parents, we pass this fear on to our kids unknowingly, and thus the cycle continues.
Break out of the cycle! Work at self-esteem in these 7 areas.
These seven areas are a practice. Working on these consistently, over time, will build self-esteem and self worth. When you value yourself, you will make good decisions and have the courage and motivation to move away from bad ones. You will not put up with toxic or vacuous people. Your healthy sense of self will attract abundance to you in health, love, wealth and life.
If you need a road-map or extra direction in building your healthy sense of self, don't hesitate to get in touch with me (send email here).
With love as always,
Let me set the stage for two scenes.
Scene 1: The dinner table is laden with food. Mum's getting the roast out of the oven. She's yelling for someone to help. Dad has poured himself yet another whiskey. Sister is draped over the arm of the latest has-been and shouts at you to go help. You came alone and don't have anyone to entertain anyway. Brother laughs and tells a funny story about a childhood exploit involving you two and he was victor (of course). Funny to everyone except you, that is. Some dubious guest whose name you didn't quite catch is droning away about her job. Her bratty 6 year old is taking sly potshots at your ear with a sling toy. The decor is garish, the music is tinny, the wine cheap. You wish you could be anywhere but here. But would die of guilt for ditching the "family" on "(insert holiday here) Day"!
Scene 2: You wake up at 6am, as usual. Hmm..no newspaper, put the coffee machine on, put food in the dog bowl, switch on the TV for the news while you get ready to walk the dog. Realize it is "(insert holiday here) Day"! Oh no! Your mind immediately goes back to yester-years. Your unhappiness with the new boss, the crazy divorce, the friends who had to choose sides, the teenage kids who want, want, want from you and then disappear once they get 'it'. Few family and a dwindling set of boozy friends sending you pity invites. You decline with some feeble excuse. Your feelings are too raw to deal with probing questions. Now what? The holiday stretches ahead like an endless tunnel. Isn't everyone with family having a wonderful time like the ads on TV. You are a good person. You don't deserve this. Down the rabbit hole you go chasing one negative thought after another...
How to do Holidays like a Boss!!
Truly, once you decide to act rather than react to what life throws at you...the possibilities are endless.
Till the new year...be well!
The author is a Success Mindset & Transition Coach and Reiki Master. She combines coaching and energy work powerfully to help clients break through their biggest blocks to living abundantly, find lasting love, 10x their income, find spirituality and much more. She rejoices and is gratified by the feedback she receives when clients achieve their goals and is humbled by the transformation she witnesses as clients leave a healing session having broken through their toughest road-blocks to success.